I’ll FKING KILL YOU – (sign of Post Traumatic Stress)

20 minutes after Nodar Kumaritashvili was pronounced at the Poly Clinic, some fancy suited guy from the Vancouver Olympic Committee comes walking into the room, looks at us, and all he says was, “WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS TO NOBODY”.

“Not our friends, not our family, not our co- workers, not the media – NOBODY”.

I sat slumped in my chair, gazing down at the dried blood that had soaked into my boots, the sound of the heart monitor still echoing through mind, my heart, my every breath seemed to just beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

You ask yourself, where are my tears?

Why am I not feeling the loss of this young kids life, who I had just spent, what seemed like hours, crushing his ribs as I pushed on his heart harder and harder with each 1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

No words needed, as he stares at me as if to send that last telepathic message to his family, his girlfriend, his brother, the bone chilling screams of his coaches and trainers as they arrived on scene that day, will certainly haunt me till the day we meet again.

You grit your teeth, but not too hard, cause this isn’t really happening, this is just one of those dreams you will wake up from any minute, no tears, no talking, emotionless, as your look down ashamed of yourself, fighting the mind from trying to convince you that this was your fault.

Hours later, I stood alongside 3 other medics. As we boarded the gondola, some drunk Australian kid came stumbling into my peripheral vision and without thought, I turned around and knocked him out cold with 2 quick punches to the head.

3 of his buddies came running to his rescue. I reacted immediately in defense mode as if they were coming to attack me, I grabbed the one kid by the back of the head and just started feeding him shots to the body with a few upper cuts over and over again.

Totally possessed by some sort of higher power, There was absolutely no thought or care to anything I was doing as I tried dragging this kid into our gondola, as I yelled at him “I’ll FKING KILL YOU” little MFKer (punch punch punch).

I had lost my mind, and had absolutely no reason whatsoever to smash these 2 totally innocent people like that.

The doors closed and everything went very quiet, total silence as we rolled over the first tower towards the village.

I’ll never forget the feeling of total confusion as I stood staring down onto the lights in the village. The medics were all saying something to me , but it seemed like they were speaking different languages, and again, that dream feeling , where you sit there and know you are dreaming , and this is that moment where you wake up in cold sweat , gasping for a breath, panicked as you try to explain to your lover this crazy nightmare.

(not a dream this actually happened) – chapter 4 – Let the Games begin


I get asked all the time, “ Hey Terrance, why in the hell do you flip that big ol stupid tractor tire mile after mile, across, up and over mountains , through lakes and rivers?

The answer is simple,

To raise awareness to Post Traumatic Stress, and all the signs and symptoms that go with, so we can begin to understand and prevent anymore of our Canadian First Responders from dying by suicide, and leaving their careers, friends and families behind wondering …why?

ITS TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES – weather our current BC Provincial Government likes it or not.

This is totally unacceptable, especially when these are the men and women who risk their lives to save ours on a daily basis.

They respond to our emergencies, it’s time we respond to theirs.

Our Mental Health Facilities, Programs, and Insurance companies are broken and failing us beyond belief. Sure they all look good on paper, but how many people do you know who have been through the smoke and mirror, BS, hogwash system and come out on the other end and actually went back to work as healthy as they started?

You will not find this person, they do NOT exist, and as we speak now, over the last 2 years there are 179 Police, Fireman, Paramedics, Corrections Officers, Dispatch 911 operators, nurses, and soldiers 6 feet deep now.

These are the stats on the ones who have come forward over these last 2 years, that had been battling for years to get the help they deserve after being diagnosed with PTSD.

The numbers on the suicide rates within our First Responders who have not been diagnosed im sure are 10 times as staggering. Believe me, I’ve been there, and currently speak to many across our entire country who are all very close to just throwing in the towel.

Would you blame them for feeling this way. after years of trusting your current government, and assuming you risk your life for people who would take care of you and educate you and make sure your safe, and your family is taken care of if anything was to ever go sideways, life.

Please take a minute to go to our website and help by signing our petition, that I will personally hand deliver to NDP, MLA Shane Simpson next week who in turn will present this Bill M 203 – into Legislature.


This photo was taken on Feb 13th 2017 … 7 years and one day after Nodar was killed.

Clearly, this is just the way it was written, many moons ago.

Thank you for your time, support, and helping share our awareness program with your friends and family .

About the author: Terrance Kosikar

I was the first responder to a fatal accident at the Whistler Sliding Center on Opening Day of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. Although I was well trained in a myriad of life saving techniques, I was not prepared to deal with the emotional impact sustained while on the job. As a result of the fatality, I developed a Post-Traumatic Stress Injury that launched me into a very costly downward spiral. During several years of severe depression, anxiety, nightmares, and substance abuse, I lost my family, my career, and nearly my life. Pushed to my breaking point, I found salvation within. Escaping to the back-country near Lillooet, BC, I found peace and purpose in Mother Nature’s beauty and simplicity. Many others who have suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress have not been so lucky. By raising awareness and destigmatizing this debilitating mental injury, we can help the people suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress get the help they need.